Saturday, May 24, 2008

religious me?

Okay... some of you may know and some of you may not know.. I am not a follower of organized religion. I mean I believe in God, but I don't know how much of the "story" I believe. I believe in God and yet I believe in evolution, and science and am somehow not contradicted by that. Trust me it is possible. But having met many who are great followers of the words of Christ, and just being open to what He would have to show me, I have been seeing God all around me lately. I believe in fate, in it being something that was written in my story long before I was brought to this world.
As many know and I have written about before, I lost twins. In fact I held my twins as one died in my arms, the other was gone before he was delivered. I had a normal vaginal delivery with these twins, and felt He was there. I think that was the turning point in life when I became spiritual. Sometimes you just have to put faith in the higher powers to get you through something so terrible. I surrendered to God that that was supposed to happen. I lost a lifetime with my twin boys. EVERY mother will admit that at the moment you are awakened to the life growing inside of you, you invision your future with them. I had visions of my twins as reckless 5 year olds, and taking pictures of them as they were going to prom, and seeing them fall in love, get married and have children of their own. Then one day, it was all over.
I know that is a terrible story, and something many cannot even fathom going through. But, and Tyler will agree, that pain and tragedy made life so much more beautiful. I remember Tyler and I talking while at home, saying, "we are so strong for surviving this, nothing could tear us apart." That was a defining moment for me. That was what ran through my head when I was told there could potentially be a very big problem with this new life growing inside of me (Yale). I went for many diagnostic ultrasounds, and then they said they wanted to speak to Tyler and I together. And we got the diagnosis of HLHS, and what our options were. I cried. but to say I was devastated would not be right. I felt Him in that room with me. I felt the whispers saying you are strong, and you will do this. On the car ride home, I remember the exact spot coming through the intersection at Baseline and Wharncliffe, and Tyler just mentioning. "We should just terminate and end this here." I just look at him and said, "No, we are going to fight." I never held it against him that he wasn't as strong as I in the moment, he never felt Him there.
Cut to my HLHS support group. When I first introduced myself at 27 weeks pregnant, having done my share of research and being VERY SCARED. I got at least 20 emails from that group saying, "It is hard, but knowing what I know now, i wouldn't change a thing. God blessed me with this child." I never really believed that, until I am where I am now. I see Him in this child who sleep in my arms. I see Him in his blessings, I see Him in his malformed heart that beats on the screen, fighting for life. He was caring enough to show me pain, and then to show me that life is beautiful after that pain. He blessed me to see that I can enjoy my son, and love him without fear. I know he will die, and probably before me, but God has shown me what that pain is like, and even though it is terrible, it is beautiful in itself. Sometimes you never feel love as pefectly as you do in the midst of such a loss. He has taught me to see the beauty in life's ups and down. He has blessed me with an amazing partner in life, who tests me, but supports me, and whom I will love to the end. "Nothing can tear us apart" He blessed me with a son so cute, and so brave. But the best part of it all, He blessed me, so that I can see it all!
He is all around me.


Jenaia said...

I don't even know how to comment on that post other then to say that it is beautiful Tanna! I don't like the word religious and I am a born again Christian. I believe Jesus came and died to save all of us. I don't like religious though because it is not about is about a relationship. You have got more of it figured out then you even realize I think Tanna. God is are so right! How can we avoid but see Him in these kids.

God Bless! Thanks so much for sharing!

I hope that Yale is feeling better soon,


P.S. I hope it is okay I added a link to Yale's blog on Dominic's. Let me know if that is a problem.

Anonymous said...

Tanna, You are a Mother an Inspiration and a Teacher. Thank you for reminding me that he is there. It is often at our darkest moments that we clarify what is right within our hearts. Hugs to you and Yale. xxoo
Tanya LM

Anonymous said...

well said and noted....
and I agree reading your blog is seeing strength and courage, and love without measure
Tami -LM

Anonymous said...

God has chosen you for Yale for a reason. You are strong and a fighter as is your son!

Heather said...

what a wonderful post - so thoughtful and inspiring. i'm so glad we've met, and i'm praying for you every day.